Last week I started a new blog series of letters from me to the people who find my blog by googling random terms. This week is the second installment.

To the person who found my blog by searching for……

how to stop complaining in a relationship

First, I want to commend you for recognizing that you may be complaining too much, and searching for guidance. While I am by no means a psychologist or a behavior therapist or a relationship counselor, I might be able to help you through this one. There is something you should know about me… I am a serial whiner. I chose the word whine, rather than complain, because I think there is a bit of a difference. I whine about everything: I whine if my belly hurts, if it is too cold. I whine about flossing before bed, about the fact that my dog loves Mr. O more than she loves me. However, I do try not to complain. In my mind, complaining is whining to the extreme without doing anything to change your circumstances. I might whine about flossing, but I’m usually whining about it while I’m flossing my teeth. I might whine about it being too cold, but that’s after I put up the heat and put on a sweatshirt. If there is anything in my life that I feel needs changing– especially in my relationships– I make an effort to make things better.

And that is all that you have to do. Put in some effort. I don’t know what your relationship is like. I don’t know if you’re a person who worries too much and thinks that you might be complaining too much, even though you barely complain at all. I don’t know if you are in fact the biggest, rudest complainer in the whole wide world and your significant other is a saint for staying with you. Either could be true. But if you do feel that you want to change, and you do think you complain too much, I promise you that a little effort does in fact go a long way.

We’re all intelligent enough individuals to know and understand our own thought processes. If you can recognize that you are about to complain about something…. then just pause for a bit. Think about what it is you were about to say, and what your motivations are behind the comment. Let’s just pretend you were about to complain that your significant other spends too much time with his or her friends. Well, why do you feel like that? What is your motivation behind this statement? Do you miss spending quality time with your partner? Are you envious of the close relationships your partner has with other people? Do you wish your relationship with your own friends we are strong as your partner’s relationships? Instead of complaining, think about these questions and then try to figure out a way to CHANGE things. If you identify with any of the above questions then maybe you could: 1) Ask your partner on a date. Tell your partner you’d like to spend a little more time with him or her. Don’t mention their friends. 2) Consider what makes you envious. If you want a closer relationship with your partner, then YOU can make the effort to open up to them. Share a secret with them. And never forget to acknowledge them when they do open up to you. 3) Spend time with your own damn friends. Your relationship will benefit if you both have healthy friendships as well. Follow your partner’s example and nurture your own relationships. Now, these are all just random examples… You could be complaining about anything. I just hope you take away from this letter that you have control over your complaining. You are the person who thinks the thought and then you are also the person who has control how you FEEL the thought. Remember, change always starts with you. If you want your relationship to change, then be the spark that ignites the flame.

Before I end this letter, I want to acknowledge one more quick thing. I think a lot of people complain just to do it or because they don’t know how to change things, but I also think that a lot of people complain because they truly aren’t happy. If you are complaining about your relationship and you know deep down that you honestly aren’t happy with your partner, then… get out. I’ve spent time in useless relationships where I accepted less than I deserved or I just assumed that was the best I could do. What a silly girl I was. If you are complaining because you sincerely don’t wish to remain in your relationship, then don’t waste your time and don’t waste your partners time. Get out there and start living authentically. If you’re honestly happy, you shouldn’t be complaining. You might whine like I do, but you won’t complain.

Best of luck.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope the blog contents didn’t disappoint you,
Erin

Like last time, I googled this search term and here is what I found on page one, as the fourth link from the top (which linked the searcher to this post):

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