Sigh…Oh, how I love crushes.
My life is boring when I have no crushes. Its fun to look forward to talking to someone or running into that person when you least expect it. I seriously doubt that I will ever in my entire life stop finding people to crush on. There is something special about it, something whimsical.
There really are no rules to it either.
I mean, there are the legitimate crushes in which you are actually interested in another person. You keep the phone near you in case he calls; you scrutinize all the clothing in your closet to plan the perfect outfit for your dates, even if he’ll barely notice; you truly want to get to know him, possibly start a relationship. I haven’t had a legitimate crush in a while, but I’m starting to wonder if one is in the works. A very handsome man sent me a silly picture message yesterday of tacos, and I giggled. Later that night I found out he really liked Grey’s Anatomy, and I swear my heart skipped a beat (its obviously pretty easy to make me happy). There is a possibility that I might have a legitimate crush on him. Just not sure if I’m ready to admit it yet.
Then there are the acquaintance or stranger crushes… someone you run into at your office, the gym, the supermarket. Someone you might have some association with, but barely enough to really get to know the other person. These are always fun, and I find myself crushing on so many guys I may never even see again- the nice man who helped the little old lady put her grocery bags into the trunk of her car a few days ago or the very handsome man who I met in the elevator at work (even though I totally embarassed myself in front of him).
And, of course, I can’t forget about celebrity crushes. Totally self explanatory too. I could pretty much just keep a running list of my favorites, because it changes all the time: Channing Tatum, Richard Gere, Matt Long, Mike Lowell, Colin Farrell, the list could go on and on and on.
But sometimes I crush in totally non-romantic ways. I get crushes on women celebrities when I watch awards shows and see them in their amazingly gorgeous dresses. I crush on blog friends, because some of the people I’m friends with on here are just so wonderful that it hurts (check out my blogroll if you’re looking for a good time). I crush on my real life girl friends all of the time, because I am fortunate to know the most amazing women alive. I’ve been crushing on all the people in my group since I started my new job last month, because they are just fantastic.
I think crushes are incredibly healthy and normal. Especially right now in my life. I am a 26 year old, single, childless, graduate student who works way too much for her own good. I’ve been out of a ”real” (ha) relationship for about two years. I’ve dated a few people in that time… some just to fill the lonely spaces and some I was actually interested in.
There have been moments that I’ve longed to be in a relationship. Moments when I’m in bed alone at night and I wished and wished I had a warm body beside mine that I could cuddle up to, feel his breath on my neck, hold his hand- and not just any warm body. I could easily have any random warm body in my bed if I so chose to, but that’s just not what I want. There have been other moments, like when I attended my first residency of graduate school, and my new friends would excuse themselves to call their respective boyfriends or husbands. The only person I could think of to call at the time was my best friend, and she was away on a cruise! Weddings have been tough, too. I’ve been to endless weddings in the past two years, one of which was my brother’s wedding and three of which were my closest friends’ weddings. There I was- completely alone- celebrating the love of two people I care about deeply, surrounded by other wonderful friends who were there with their significant others. In moments like these, I feel deeply lonely.
BUT…don’t feel too sorry for me, because these past two years have probably been the happiest, most motivating years of my life. I’ve grown (unfortunately not physically , I’m still the short kid) and for the first time, I feel very comfortable in my own shoes. I have a much better understanding of who I am, what I want and where I’d like to be. I’ve got great friends, family and the best dog in the whole wide world. I’m so busy with school, work and my social life that I honestly barely have time to acknowledge the fact that I’m not in a relationship. Basically, my life is full, very full.
There really is not a “point” to this post. I think what I am trying to say, is that I’m at a crux.
Do I want to be in a relationship? Do I want to stay single?
Its not like any of these questions can or will be answered easily or right away. Even if I knew the answer, it isn’t like there is a handsome, kind, happy, personable man who is just sitting there, waiting for me to start a relationship with him. But what I do know for sure, is that I love, love, love to crush. I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see if my crushes develop into anything like a relationship, or if they end up a passing fancy.
But until we know for sure… I’m going to relish in this attraction.