The next installment in my Defining Moments Series is written by Kristen Costa. After you’re done reading her post here, you should head over to her blog Life By Kristen and follow her on twitter @kristencurator

Kristen Costa

I’ve always been a lover of surveys, questionnaires, etc. I don’t know why—maybe it’s because I’m opinionated and this allows me the opportunity to let me views on things like laundry detergent or frequency of grocery shopping to be known, but regardless of the reason, I am a member of more than a handful of online survey groups. My defining life moment came in September 2011 when filling out a survey about grocery shopping. And it all involved the checking of a box on the usual question of “marital status.” Let me explain.

In July 2011, after a mere year and two months of marriage, my ex-husband and I decided to end our marriage. Those fourteen months of marriage—preceded by a difficult two and a half years dating—were painfully difficult, and so much more than in the usual tough ways of the first year of “wedded bliss.” After half a year of individual therapy for each of us and couples’ counseling, it became clear that we were not made for forever together. While we decided to separate in July, it was not until we had ironed out the details between the two of us that we told our families, friends, and coworkers in August. It was not until September that he moved out of our house.

Telling people was difficult though so many people in my inner circle saw it coming. I sort of avoided telling the rest of the world—a lot of people noticed a change in relationship status on Facebook (21st century solution to awkward situations for the win!), others noticed a lacking of wedding photos anywhere online or in my house. Most people who were acquaintances learned when I was a guest blogger during the transition period. This lack of “announcement” by either me or my ex was intentional—we wanted to keep things private and only our families and closest friends knew what happened between us, but honestly I can say now—a year later—that I was afraid of the word “divorced.”

Being divorced was never something that ever entered into my atmosphere—sure I had lots of friends who parents were divorced and even members of my extended family, but in my mind, I came from a close immediate family—grandparents married over fifty years, parents over thirty, with similar numbers on my then husband’s side. We both thought we knew each other well enough that we would have years of success. I even pondered to myself each time a friend was married about who would be divorced first; with rates of marriages ending being on the rise, I figured my close circle of friends would also fall to the statistics. I was naïve enough to not even consider that the statistic might end up being me.

Deciding to get divorced was not easy by any means—but filling out that form and clicking the box “separated/divorced” on that grocery shopping survey was the first time I had to “publicly” proclaim the words. It seems like the smallest thing in comparison to having to tell me parents I had failed at my marriage, but to me it was the biggest. In that moment, in going from the ‘married’ box (and previously before that the ‘single’ box), I became totally redefined in the minds of the survey analyzers. I was a new demographic and in one that I felt held so much judgment—not by the survey takers, but by ME. The word divorced held so much weight to me and literally brought me down into a bit of a panic in thinking about checking off this new box. Knowing I had to end my marriage to be happy was one thing, going through with it and doing the paperwork was another—but this—this proclamation to the world and putting myself into a new category of life—was something so much bigger. I know that I gave all the weight and power to the word and what it meant and that being divorced is not the end of the world. Yes, my marriage failed and I broke a vow—two things I never imagined for myself, but deciding that I needed to end my marriage was me taking a stand for my life and choosing happiness over obligation. The defining moment was checking off that box; while I am not proud that I am divorced and it is something I do not wish on my worst enemy—I am proud that in that moment, I was able to realize that checking off that box was a small action, but a huge thing at the same time in accepting my life and the choices I made for myself.

 I recently posted a call for new writers to join my Defining Moments Series. I was so pleased to have a great response and hope to bring you a new writer every week for the next few weeks. Ashley from Writing to Reach You was the first kind soul to contribute. See what she has to say about being an academic and then head over to her blog and subscribe. She won’t disappoint!

Ashley from Writing to Reach You

No one ever believes me when I say this, but I was not a smart child.  I  had a crazy imagination and I was very sensitive, but I wasn’t smart.  I knew the smart girls, because they were my friends, but I wasn’t one of them.  I showed potential, which a lot of my teachers recognized, but I wasn’t on the track to success in school.  Given the choice, as I often was, I would always rather go out and play than sit inside and read.

My friends were all very focused on school, which made me feel like the  aimless one.  I didn’t have big ambitions or think much about the  future, and none of this is all that weird for a kid, but it seems so  unlike the person I am now.  What strikes me as different about this  defining moment is that it was not inevitable. I can see myself  continuing down the path that I was on, and I have no idea where it  would have taken me, because what happened next completely changed the  shape of my life.

I had this really sweet elementary school existence.  My public school  was small enough that I knew everyone and had forever, and they kind of  accepted me as the weird kid that I was.  I had good friends who were so loyal that I didn’t know friends came any other way.  Then it came time for middle school, and my best friend moved to another state, another  close friend went to a different school, and the rest of us were  scattered across a large campus with no classes together.  It felt like  we had all been thrown into a completely different world.

I adjusted very well to this new world at first.  Either my aimlessness  or the butterfly clips I wore in my hair attracted one of the cool girls to me, and she was cool enough that being friends with her also meant  that you were friends with all of her friends.  In that crowd, I found a new best friend, and we grew close really quickly.  I knew I was kind  of out of my element.  These girls were not like the girls I’d been  friends with in elementary school, but they were nice enough and they  were cool.

Everything changed when my new best friend got a boyfriend and proceeded to forget I existed.  I honestly don’t know if she ignored me for a couple of  days or several weeks, but it really didn’t matter, because those girls  from elementary school had taught me to expect so much more from my  friends.  At some point, she apologized, but I didn’t forgive her.   Instead, I distanced myself from her and our entire group of friends.

In a very short period of time, I went from being friends with a large  group of cool kids to having almost no friends at all.  Sometimes I  still saw a few of the girls from elementary school, and I always had at least a couple of people to eat lunch with, but mostly I was alone.  I  went from aimless to completely lost.  I would not have been surprised  if a fork had literally fallen from the sky and blocked my way, because  choosing not to forgive my friend sent me on the path that I am still on today.

I can’t remember if I started focusing on school, because I had nothing  else to do, or if I fell in with the nerdy kids, because I was desperate for friends, but I quickly went from sitting in the back of the  classroom to the very front.  My new friends were not the lovable nerds  you’d expect if this were a movie, but some sense of competition between us pushed me to do better.  They didn’t seem to realize that I was just playing the role of the good student–that it wasn’t really me.

Middle school was the only time in my life where I didn’t have at least a  couple really close friends who understood me.  It was the only time in  my life where I have ever been lonely for an extended period of time.   It sucked for that reason, but I made the best of my solitude.  I  started reading for fun, which changed my life.  I started listening to  music I really liked instead of just what my friends liked.  Despite  being a mediocre student in elementary school, I had always been  recognized for my writing, but middle school was when writing became  important to me.  I created the person I would become.

I did well enough with what remained of sixth grade to earn all of the  Most Improved awards at the end of the year.  It was strange to me how  quickly I became one of the smart kids.  It would take me years and  years to come around to seeing myself that way, but I marveled at how  easy it was to become a completely different person in the eyes of other people.  I continued to earn good grades in seventh and eighth grade,  so when it was time to start high school, I chose to sign up for all of  the Honors and AP classes.

I can’t imagine it’s really all that surprising to anyone but me that I’m now working on a PhD.  I have been on this track since sixth grade.  But, for me, my identity is very much wrapped up in the person I was before sixth grade.  She feels like a  stranger and a friend.  And my defining moment is so complex to me,  because it wasn’t a moment of glory–it was a show of weakness.  I  should have forgiven my friend.  She went through some difficult things  in the years that followed and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for her.  But,  I’m grateful that instead of getting caught up in the current that was  pulling me into a different kind of life, I was forced to step back and  learn to be alone and think about who I wanted to be.

Are you interested in writing a post for the Defining Moments Series? If so, email me at reinventerin (at) gmail (dot) com

Note: The idea for this post was borrowed from Katelin after she borrowed it from Terra. (Click here to see my follow-up to this post).

I have a whole lot of love in my heart. Most of the time, I don’t just like things, I love them. However, there are some things that I neither love nor like, and for that, I make no apologies.

1. Nuts. While I may love peanut butter, I most certainly do not like peanuts. It’s a texture thing. I only sometimes will eat pistachios (every few years), and only ever eat other nuts if it is a complete accident.
2. Being really drunk. I really enjoy being buzzed, but I feel very uncomfortable when I’m actually drunk. I’d much rather being in control and aware of my surroundings, and in no way do I like throwing up or being hung over.
3. Mayonnaise. I don’t care if Mr. O teases me and says that I do in fact like it. I will very rarely ever eat mayo. Yes, folks, I do eat tuna salad, but that is the only time I eat mayo, and I like to pretend that I’m not really consuming mayo with my tuna.
4.  Cleaning the sidewalk after you trim the hedges. My parents have a large corner lot that is surrounded with bushes or hedges or whatever you choose to call them. It used to be my job as a kid to sweep the sidewalk and gather/toss everything after my father trimmed them. I hated this job.
5. Shoveling snow. I have nothing more to say about this. I get really mad every time I have to shovel. Yes, I live in Massachusetts, but just because I live here doesn’t mean I have to like the weather.
6. While I am grateful for public transportation, I can’t quite admit to liking it. Every time I need to go to Boston, I always struggle between driving in and taking the T. I really am not a fan of the T. I hate to rely on its schedule. It makes me feel carsick. I’m glad it’s there so I can use it when I need it, but I certainly don’t like it.
7. The post office and I have never really meshed well. I can’t seem to go there without something going wrong.
8. Wet socks. I would much rather be in flip-flops with wet feet than be in sneakers with wet socks. Having wet socks (like if you’re in the rain at an outdoor concert for example) totally grosses me out.

I’m excited that I’ve shared weekly updates with you 20 times this year. My new goal is to make sure I do at least 6 more weekly shares before the year’s end, so that I will have done this for at least half of 2012.

Peter posted yesterday about finding love in the blog world. I think this post is simply fantastic and urge you all to read it. This line – which is so true in so many forms, not just blogging – actually made me laugh out loud: “Remember that it could be his/her place to vent. Keep that in mind. They might not be like that every day. It’s like only ever seeing a girl at the gym and thinking, ‘Wow. She’s ALWAYS sweaty.’”

Ashley’s post about “picking” and bad habits was super interesting and I kept clicking her links to new articles and then their links to other articles.

Andrea’s post about her Fantasy Self really spoke to me. I beat myself up sometimes for not accomplishing things I’m not even trying for. Sometimes I think I should be this type of person or do that type of thing, but in reality, I’m just me. I love the idea of a Fantasy Self and I’d love to sit and just ponder who I would be in my fantasy life.

I feel like Kristen is writing about me in her post on action and procrastination. I’m having a hard time with my goal of the month (organization) and all I really want is to get my stuff together.

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Want more Weekly Internet Finds? Check out my past posts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19

Recently I’ve seen some type of this meme on Amy and Ashley and Gina’s blogs. I decided to play along too. What would you do if you suddenly received one million dollars to spend however you’d like?

If I had a million dollars (that I couldn’t invest or save in any way) I would…

…pay off my student debt.
…pay off the little I have left on my car.
…build my own house on a realistic-sized lot that isn’t ridiculously extravagant, but still pretty awesome.
… buy all the furniture, etc needed for the house.
…take a kick ass two to three-week vacation with Mr. O and Wolverine.
…send my parents on a kick ass vacation.
…hire the entire cast of avengers and Xmen to come hang out in costume for a weekend (Okay, I might not be able to afford this, but maybe just if Wolverine will come).
… gift whatever pennies I have left to my new business venture that will be announced soon.

I have always been blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. Sometimes I think, “How did I get so lucky to meet these incredible people,” but then I realize, in a strange way, I have a high standard of friendship. I meet lots of people, but you aren’t going to be in my close circle unless you’re a fantastic person. That, and kindness attracts kindness; friendliness attracts friendliness. I’m also lucky that the majority of my friends are also friends with each other. I honestly cannot wait to own my own home (especially in the summer) because I just want to have an open invitation to all my and Mr. O’s friends to have cookouts and get-togethers regularly.

But I’m getting away from the point. I started blogging in 2008. I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d “get” from blogging. I knew I wanted to write and was hoping it would get my mo-jo back to apply to graduate programs in creative writing. I never expected to make real friends from blogging…but I have. Two of my all time favorite bloggers are Erin from Speckled Palate and Kate from Suburban Sweetheart. I’ve known them both for years now, and they are spectacular humans. Erin really made me feel comfortable with the process of becoming friends with someone you’ve never met before. We’d text each other and chat about our days; sometimes we’d talk on the phone . Kate and I used to chat online all the time a few years ago and were in similar life situations. Then she moved to the state near me, and for a few years we lived about an hour away YET, we never hung out until a few months before she moved to New Jersey. We are such sillies.

The first blogger I ever hung out with was the lovely and multifaceted Elizabeth from Her New Deal. She and her husband were living in Boston at the time and we went shopping and to dinner. Unfortunately she now lives in Texas (do I drive bloggers states away?) but I love to read the updates on her beautiful daughter and the incredible things happening to Elizabeth as well. The second blogger I ever met was Kristen from Life By Kristen. She was a Stratejoy Blogger last season and then one day I realized she lived in the next town over from me. How wild is that?

Last week, I was head over heels after meeting San from The In Between Is Mine and her awesome husband. San and I found each other’s blogs sometime last year and hit it off right away. We are so similar in so many ways. We started the Fierce Love course at the same time, and we’re going to keep each other on track with our goals. San and her hubbie were on vacation on the east coast last week and they were kind enough to take a slight detour in MA to visit with me. We went to lunch right down the street from my work, and they both had Portuguese food for the first time. I was so sad to see them go after having such a nice afternoon.

Years ago, I would have thought it were nuts to make friends on the internet. Now, I’m just so thankful to have met these incredible humans. Sometimes I wish I lived right near all of them so we could spend more time together, but I know I’m just lucky to have them in my life. Thanks, guys.