Only 8 More Days Until 2012. Unbelievable!
I love Christmas Eve. I do. It has always been one of my favorite days of the year. I used to get real let down during the holiday season. Well, at least in my twenties. Prior to that, my family made sure my holiday season was fabulous. But see, in my twenties, I put so much effort into gifts for everyone (I doubt this will ever change). The problem was that I bought too much. So, I think it hurt some of the people who didn’t or couldn’t spend much on me. I had to learn to try to keep to a budget with my fellow gift givers. But folks…my gift? The best gift I can get is to see the person I’m giving a gift to excited about their present. I Don’t want anything. I never really have. Don’t get me wrong, I could make you a list of books I’d like or clothing I wouldn’t mind owning or the latest gadget I think is cool. Of course, I like stuff. But when it comes time for holidays and birthdays, I feel very uncomfortable getting gifts.
Then after those early twenties, it was very tough for me to see my siblings moving on with their families. That is hard to write. I love their families. Their families are my families. I consider my sisters-in law my sisters. My nieces and nephew mean the entire world to me, but when push came to shove, their creating their own little families felt a lot like getting totally left behind. I was so happy for them; I loved to be a part of it, but I missed having a family. In a sense my family didn’t exist any more. When I was a kid, I had grandparents, parents and two siblings. That was my family (duh, I know that it still is). Now, my siblings have a family that I’m not part of.
I had my own family… me and Fenway. But then my family stole Fen and included her in their family (I’m thankful behind belief to share her with my parents, who provide for her more than I can give at times). So life wasn’t like it was when I lived in Virginia. In VA, it was just me and Fen (and the best roommates in the world when they were in town, lol). Now, Fenway belongs to my entire household.
So life around the holidays felt both extremely full and very empty. I felt like a part of the group, but like more of a witness than a key player. This isn’t to say that my family MADE me feel like this, because that is the farthest from the truth. My family ALWAYS includes me. It’s just a feeling I had. I can’t describe it well. I wish I could, but I can’t. It was little things, like feeling like I was forcing my brothers to do a Secret Santa between the five of us (them, their wives and little ol’ me). That tradition died this year when no one besides me wanted to keep it up. Whomp whomp whomp. Oh well, those bastards are all getting something from me now 😉
Anyway, I haven’t accomplished what I wanted to say at all in this post. I really hope that it doesn’t come off hardcore whiny, because I understand I am being whiny. I had a great family who loved me and did everything possible to make me feel included. I am the one who chose to feel like a loner. I understand that.
Back to the point. This holiday season I have two amazing incredible guys in my life. Mr. O and Wolverine are now my very own family. I am truly blessed with the most incredible little family I could ever dream up. And not just Mr. O and Wolverine. I now have extended family. I now have a new set of “parents” and a new “sister” and new “grandparents” even. They have all welcomed me into their lives straight since day one, and I couldn’t be more grateful for how included and cared for they have always made me feel. I feel selfish now for feeling so alone these past few years. I feel blessed beyond belief to have two huge (Mr. O’s family and mine-including my SILs’ families) families to celebrate with and shower presents upon.
But again, I still haven’t made my point. I’ve already been given the best gift this year. No… I haven’t opened any presents yet. Well, that is a lie. My grandparents gave me and Mr. O our gift. Thanks Mom Mom and Pop Pop! But besides that. My gifts are wrapped and I don’t know what I will be getting. I still have been given the most beautiful gift of all………
Last week Wolverine told me he loved me for the first time. I’m still in awe of how much that meant to me. I knew he obviously cared about me a super lot. I never doubted that, but to hear a child that you love with your whole heart tell you that he loves you is an amazing moment. I will never ever forget it. Plus, he kissed me for the first time. He’s been letting me give him bedtime kisses for a while now, but that night he made sure to give me a bedtime kiss. I slept very happily that evening.
I’m so in love with my two guys. I read something on Nora’s blog a while ago about how someone told her that the reason she met Knight and his two girls was because she had so much love to give, it was meant for more than one person. I think about that thought a lot. I’m fucking FULL of love. I’ve always known that I’ve given too much of myself to the men I’ve dated. I just didn’t know that the love I had was meant for two people, not one: Mr. O and Wolverine.
The most beautiful thing in the whole wide world is to have a family to call your own. I’m in love with my guys, and I could never ask for anything more.